Babies before weddings
The things that were important to me then are not important to me now; I cared so much how others viewed me, what opinions people had of me and what reputation I held. I allowed my job to constantly control my emotions and as a result.. my wellbeing. All of this changed when I became a mum.
Although this view is now outdated I personally knew being a parent would give me self worth, change my priorities and I knew I would feel I had accomplished the one thing I I feel I was put on this earth to do – to be a mum.
Now I sit here with my very nearly one year old and I can’t believe how much I have changed. I’m so much more carefree, my whole life has changed, my goals, my opinions, my outlook on life. I see people’s struggles, I understand them more and I want to help. I’m kinder to people, less judgement and generally a much happier person, being a mother has changed me positively. I have a new found confidence, I feel like it’s me and my little family against the world I feel empowered to raise this beautiful soul into a great person, I feel I have naturally developed some of the morals/values and the attributes I wish for her to hold. I feel all the things I thought I would feel as a mum and so many more. But that doesn’t mean it has been easy.
The truth behind motherhood is that motherhood starts way before you first hold your baby in your arms. Motherhood is feeling every single emotion humanly possible, in the same hour. Motherhood is adapting more than you ever knew you could and in so many more ways..
I was used to adapting before having our daughter Florence, meeting Bryn and knowing he was disabled meant I knew that his daily struggles would become a part of my daily life. And I had to adapt to this. I never understood how different his life was until we were well into our relationship, from having to plan every trip out, researching every single place we went to ensure it was wheelchair and disabled accessible, to making adaptions in our home. Sometimes it was overwhelming and every day I salute him for the way he just gets on with things. I knew being a parent would be our biggest challenge and adaption yet.
For us the journey to motherhood/parenthood was the hardest part, before Florence was even here.
When I first got with Bryn I was anxious about the future, he made it clear to me from the beginning that he wasn’t sure he wanted children or could even have children but for me this is what I had always wanted. I knew I had fell in love but I worried about his future, our future and if he would ever change his mind or could handle parenthood.
Recently engaged in 2016 I went into instant bridezilla mode, planning every aspect of the big day I had dreamt off. Two months later our hearts broke when we had an ectopic pregnancy, which resulted in emergency surgery to remove our baby and one of my ovaries. This destroyed us emotionally and it was at that point we established what really mattered to us. The wedding seemed so much more materialistic than starting a family together and the loss of our baby meant we didn’t know what we had until it had gone.
I craved that pregnancy feeling back and everything that went with it and Bryn now knew he was also ready to be a parent himself
Months later we made the decision to cancel our wedding and instead try for a baby again. An unpopular decision with particular family members. Who thankfully we are close with again today.
It took us a year to fall pregnant again:
However our pregnancy consisted of hyperemisis, diabetes, anxiety and our birth consisting of failed inductions, an emergency C-section and a week in intensive care away from home. During this time I was riddled with guilt, I felt like it was wrong for me to be negative and to struggle, after all.. I had wanted this so bad.
It took a long time to recover from Florences birth and no one has quite adapted in this relationship like Bryn did at this time. He took control, he found strength and abilities he never knew he had during the first month of Florence’s life and this has been a similar story since.
What Bryn lacks in physical ability he makes up for in so many other areas. He is an amazing dad to Florence, reading his blog gives you some insight into how passionate he is. He is the perfect team member and I feel very grateful to have him.
A year later and we are still constantly adapting to family life with a disabled parent, sometimes it is hard and sometimes we do struggle, but one thing we never ever do is feel hard done by – we are humble and truly thankful for the life and love we have.
To read Bryn’s story click here
If you want to tell your motherhood story please get in touch at
Or via Instagram @mummaandthebears