When does it stop?

As I stand in the dark with the torch on my phone illuminated, being as still as I possibly can while holding my breath and listening intensely for an intake of breath and watching for the slightest rise of the blanket I shout in my head “Breathe! Breathe! Please Breathe!” Unable to see any signs of life I blow gently in my baby’s face until it ends up a more forceful exhalation. With no joy I pull the Bubba’s lip down with my finger so it bounces back up again I do this a few times still no joy. I put my finger under his nose but feel nothing. I lay my hand on his chest I can’t feel any rise. My blood runs cold, my stomach knots up and I feel instantly nausious, my heart beats so fast. I’m completely panicked now I pick up an arm and let it fall. How is he still unresponsive. I pick him up then he cries fall pelt in my face and I instantly regret my last action. I woke the sleeping baby! I ruined my chance to catch up on sleep. Instant relief washes over me but is soon replaced with instant regret, why did I do that? I honestly couldn’t see or feel anything now I have a screaming, confused probably hungry baby who I end up feeding for the next hour. Why must we do this crazy sleep Tango every other day? Does anybody else do this? Will the panic ever subside? When does the breath test stop?

2 thoughts on “When does it stop?

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