New Years Blues

I love New years more than any other 1holiday throughout the year, it’s the possibilities and potential opportunities that await on the other side. So much can happen in a year. I enjoy setting goals for myself I do them for all aspects of my life ie. Relationships, Career, Skills, Leisure.
This year I got hit with a shit ton of emotions it wasn’t like I was even thinking about negative stuff I just suddenly felt moody as hell like I had been whacked with a massive branch from the tree of negativity. I started to think about all the things that had happened that year and where I was now and it saddened me so much. The situation with my daughter hasn’t changed I can’t get through to her no matter what I do I would understand of she had some kind of terrible upbringing but she didn’t, difficult at times because I was a single teenage mother but she never wanted for anything I made sure of that even if it meant going without myself that’s just want you do as a parent. Hopefully the New year may present some realisations for her that encourages her to make some better choices and be a part of the family. Then my mind went through other aspects of my life and I just felt like what’s the point?! If everything I say and do is ignored by those closet to me no matter how many different ways I express myself then why should I bother doing anything. I’ll just concentrate on being the best mother I can to the Bubba and hopefully he won’t ignore me when he’s old enough to do his own thing. 

I had expressed how I wasn’t bothered about not going out for new years eve and that I’m happy to stay in and just have a little new years celebration the three of us as its the Bubbas first one and our first one as this new family unit. I wanted to see in the New year with a glass of prosecco in one hand and my boys in my arms planning our goals for the next year. Instead I ended up in bed at 11pm after giving up on that plan watching The big fat quiz of the year on the laptop with a sleeping baby beside me, partner asleep on the sofa and me replying Happy New year to all the texts rolling in as if all was good. Maybe I expect too much I don’t know I didn’t really think my expectations were way out there to create lasting memories with the ones I love. I’m young, able bodied and have an addiction to living my best life with the people I love. I just feel a little effort goes a long way it’s great to plan for the future but I am alive right now! I am young right now! I am able bodied right now! If the future becomes the focus you end up not living at all and just existing. A balance of both is key. Sacrifice is needed to gain the end goal but not so much so you stop living in the present!

Today I’m planning, putting into perspective what I want and making a plan to get there. I know things can change but I like to have a starting point to go off which I can adapt later down the line if need be. I’ll be making a vision board for the year, doing some research and start to create a portfolio so I have a body of work to show. It’s time to shake off the New year’s blues grind and actualize these dreams of mine. 

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