It appears that I have fallen victim to the baby bubble, the only thoughts going through my mind are feeding, nappy changes, bathtime, sleep patterns, sleep deprivation, weaning, the clothing reshuffle, development milestones the list goes. While all of those things are important and the baby is top priority my tunnel vision for the baby is having an effect on other aspects of my life. A few weeks ago I had this realisation and started to take active steps to achieve my goals. This entailed me starting a diploma course which is difficult with a non napping baby but I’m determined to get this done as it has the potential for my partner and I to work together to grow a business and brand and become completely self employed.
My partner had a gap between clients so spent that time with the baby and I at baby sensory then we went to Next for a mooch about. I do love looking at their home range because everything is just so up my street. There was a beautiful parquetesc style wooden table and benches which will hopefully still be available come next year along with the leather padded chairs to go on the end and the sideboard. Although I really liked the industrial style seating the padded one was more comfortable. I can really see us sitting at this table with family and friends eating dinner together or having games night or me shouting ‘I hope you’re not using my gorgeous table as a chopping board!’ or ‘I hope you put the table cloth on that table before getting those paints out!’ Yes my dreams contain a nagging version of me don’t yours? While st Next we also got a few bits for the baby as I had sorted through his clothes to see what still fits him and what doesn’t. This bubba is lucky he gets a new wardrobe every couple of months while I’m over here looking like I’ve been dared to wear my clothes. The boys clothes are just brilliant and super cute they wash well and my bubba looks so dapper in them.
Anyway I digress the reason why I brought up our little bit of time together is because we don’t get to do that often. Upon reflection my affection distribution is off. I spend all my time and energy on the baby and forget to throw affection my way or towards my partner. I do show my love through cooking dinner ready for when my partner had finished work and making his lunches for the next day (Yes lunches he is a PT after all), researching business plans for my business and working out how to get certain things done, kissing him good evening and goodnight. I wouldn’t waste the time and energy if I didn’t love him but I guess their not affectionate ways of expressing that love. Somewhere along the line I’ve lost the ability to be expressively romantic.
From the beginning I’ve expressed how important it is to have date nights time put aside for us to do fun stuff as a couple and now more than ever that is important so that we don’t lose the couple part of our relationship and just end up parents who live together. I use to be fun I was apparently the wild one in the group although I saw it more as making the most out of a night out or weekend away as I didn’t know when I would get that time again so I would maximise that time and see and do as much as I could before I had to go home to parent mode. The whole reason the baby is here is because two people who clicked came together, fell in love, had some adventures, started living together then used insufficient birth control (It’s not 100% people) which led to the miracle birth of our beautiful baby boy. I guess we are still working out the kinks of this parenting role trying to find a dynamic that works for us. Fun me has unintentionally retired, well that’s how it feels anyway she’s been replaced by a me who sings 5 little monkeys or the dingle dangle scarecrow all day to a little cherub who melts her heart. I need to make a Jay-Z style out of retirement come back.
As I’m writing this it occurs to me the reason why I’m so tunnel visioned with my affections and attention towards the baby is because I was so fiercely independent before I was the sole source of income everything depended on me going above and beyond to ensure mybdaughter and I didn’t go without but if we did it was to gain something better down the line. Now this time around I’m not a single parent and everything isn’t dependent on me. I’ve been struggling with not being at work and having the income to come and go as I please, now I have to ask my partner for things and it just feels so subordinate and degrading. I’m no longer free to come and go I now have to calculate and tot up my time and justify it all that’s how feels anyway. My partner said we are a team and this isn’t the case and that he can’t nurture and be there for the baby so wants to do all he can to make sure that I can. How do I become comfortable with not being the bread winner? Not providing it all like I’m use to. Am I a control freak? I really do put all my time, energy and affection into our son mainly because he’s my son and I love him beyond all measure but because I am responsible for this little guys life for ensuring he is developing well and nurtured to the best of my ability. I will have to work on that and the distribution of affection.