There’s no heartbreak like the heartbreak from your own child

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter I knew instantly that I was going to keep her. I may have been 16 years old when this happened and in a relationship with someone I knew wasn’t right for me, but his positive words combined with my determination to ensure the child growing  inside me would have a better childhood than I did and would beloved beyond belief I started doing all I could to make sure I had what I needed for this baby. I left 6th form and got a full time job at an agency I worked anywhere and everywhere they sent me keeping it quiet that I was pregnant so I could work for as long as possibles. I saved money, bought nappies, wipes, clothes and other baby bits each week so I would have a years supply of everything. I took out books from the library and read them at night via torch light so my parents wouldn’t find out. I made it my mission to know everything there was to know about babies, pregnancy and being a good parent. I remember telling my mum that I was pregnant I think she found my very well hidden library books under my pillow. She was shocked but excited to be a grandma my dad less so he thought I was lying.  

Being a teenage mum was very hard and in the process I become a single teenage mum. The looks and blatant judgement thrown my way was just intense at times. People would walk up to me and tell me what a disgrace I was and how I’ve ruined my life. I didn’t know these people they were complete strangers, like seriously who sees someone in the street then judges them on what they see walks up to them and goes off on how that person is what’s wrong with the world? Seriously this actually happened. Once I had my daughter who is mixed race and of a much lighter complextion to myself I then had people telling me that I am a traitor to my race, the my daughter couldn’t possibly be mine as she has white skin and light hair. Again yes people actually took time out of their day to walk up to me and make these comments. My presence was so offensive to people they just couldn’t help themselves. They didn’t know I was working my arse off and trying my hardest not to be a stereotype, they had no idea how I was ensuring that my child had the best of what I could get even if it meant I went without. I remember a week living off water and a loaf of white label economy bread just so my daughter could have clothes on her back, those of you with kids know they grow out of everything all the time at a rapid pace. When she got to school age I made sure she got into the best school I could without paying money although I did look into that but couldn’t afford £30,000 a term. That’s when becoming a stripper crosses your mind, you start to rationalise it I can dance, sometimes I dance naked at home surely there’s no difference just random strangers would be watching but it will be for the best cause my daughter would be getting the best education and hopefully surrounded by lovely affluent people giving her a great start in life. I didn’t do it I just found the best normal schools I could even if it meant we had to walk for an hour each morning and we did, well she scooted I walked. Now I’m not trying to paint myself as a saint of a mother because I definitely had my moments where I broke down cried, was wondering what I had done to produce such a screaming, crying child the tantrums were unreal. 

Where did it all go wrong? Since becoming a teenager she really has been unbearable at times. Literally the past 3 years have been completely exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. My heart has been broken so many times and all by her. She does things she knows is wrong and lies straight up to my face, sometimes I know she’s done something so give her the chance to come clean and she chooses lying every time. This is not the child I raised the child that would help people out without thinking about it. The polite cheeky girl that I was proud of. The things she has done are so at odds with the way we live and the values I’ve attempted to instil into her. She repeatedly makes the worst choices that have detrimental effects to those around her. I want so hard for her to do well but she just doesn’t seem to have that in her she’s more bothered about spending time with her boyfriend. The way she talks about me and her life you’d think something sinister happened to her but that is so far from the case. This recent bout of carnage she’s thrown our way has finished me. When is enough, enough? I honestly believed that she wanted to achieve all we’d been talking about but now I think she was just telling me stuff that she thought I’d like to hear in order to keep me sweet. All I wanted was to have my family together for meals, holidays, days out etc to have that strong family core I never had growing up. I wanted her to look at me as a role model doing all I can to ensure she has everything she needs and somethings that she wants. 

Tonight I’m just feeling like such a failure. Im so exhausted, confused, angry, ashamed and embarrassed. I just don’t understand how I can spend my time ensuring she doesn’t turn out like her absent father for her to do exactly that. Maybe I tried too hard. 

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