Today I’ve been feeling rather blah there seems to be a lot of situations good, challenging, surprising and sad that are happening at this moment in time either to me, my friends or to family from terminal illness to unexpected pregnancy to getting married to travelling the world with family. It has me reflecting on what I want to achieve and experience while I am able, how I would like us to raise our boy, how I would handle the situations that those around me are faced with and what can I do to help them and ease what is happening or to just take their minds off it.
I guess with everything going on I’m getting frustrated that I do have goals that I am actively working towards achieving but am unable to give them the undivided attention they need. Getting things done and getting them done well is what I strive for so it is highly annoying that I am not currently doing that. A few of my friends who were on maternity leave have gone back to work with varying opinions. The thought of going back to work next year fills me with dread, leaving my baby who isn’t even a year old with strangers so I can earn money to pay said strangers, makes me run cold. Now I know that they are childcare professionals but that is my boy the one person I have spent the most time with this past year, nurtured with my own body and attempted to aid his developing by going to various classes. How am I meant to just go back to work and be all about call reviews, deals and monthly targets? If only I was self employed so that I could somehow spend my days concentrating on all things baby then the evening and nights working from home.
Reflecting on having my beautiful baby boy so unexpectedly and how he has dominated my every thought, my every action all in the best way (well excluding those sleepless night), our days filled with baby sensory, baby sign and baby massage. We would have been doing swimming lessons too but I wanted my partner to take him, a bit of father son time. It’s nice for them to have something that is theirs as the baby and I spend all our time together which shows in his reactions when he sees me in the morning or when he is in the arms of someone else but is searching for me. Everything has been so different this time around there is so much support, information, groups and classes to get involved in. It all feels so inclusive and understanding so much has changed in a positive way.
Sleep deprivation has a big part to play in this blah feeling along with cluster feeding, a body that doesn’t want to heal or just heal really slowly, being unable to get things done the way I want to domestically, academically, socially or spending the rare 30 minutes the baby is asleep washing dishes, clothes and tidying up for it all to be in vain the second everyone walks through the door leaving dirty shoes in the lounge when we have a shoe rack, leaving bags on the floor to be tripped over when I’ve asked a million times for it not to be put there because I’ve tripped over it. Tomorrow is a new day and will hopefully bring fresh perspective and a positive attitude.