Awareness of self

Since giving birth back in May my body has not been my own, when I stop and think about it my body hasn’t been mine for quite some time due to health issues, pregnancy then birth of my son. I’m currently breast feeding my son which is an incredible experience, to know that my body is the sole source of nutrition for this little ever growing human being, who is developing so quickly makes me eternally proud. Breastfeeding wasn’t always a joy in the beginning it was so difficult and extremely painful and tiring but I am so glad I stuck with it. When he looks up at me and smiles that dimple dumpling smile I just melt.

I haven’t felt self conscious about my body and it’s new jiggly soft bits, it hasn’t bothered me that I am still wearing maternity clothes until I met a friend in town for a catch up and had a look around the shops I wanted to see what the trends were now and if there was anything I liked. It made me feel as though I had been slumming it there were some very nice pieces I could definitely see myself in so snapped a few pictures for future reference. Buying clothes for my son is so easy and seeing him all coordinated in his little outfits makes my heart feel like it’s going to burst because he is just so freaking adorable.

While he looks well presented and super cute I resemble something less desirable. It wasn’t until this weekend that I felt scruffy and not quite myself. I went to my cousins wedding and everyone looked stunning and glamourous one particular guest was the vision I’d have liked to have been that day. She too had an infant son she wore a beautiful purple dress (purple is my favourite colour) and her hair was braided in an elegant up do. I on the other hand was in a metallic maternity dress with grey leggings because I couldn’t find my tights and my black ankle boots which I wear to work I felt like the shambles and as if I was embarrassing my cousin by being there. When it came to taking the big family picture I made sure I stood at the back so you could only see my head. I spent the whole wedding feeling less than myself although nobody had said anything but the actual ceremony and reception were beautiful from the gospel singing to the loving positive atmosphere to the kind words about the bride and groom and the tasty food especially the cake pops (I love cake).

I wish them both a long and content marriage full of adventures and cherished memories. Another situation that got me down on myself was a shopping trip at the weekend with my boyfriend, I really felt like I wasn’t myself. I tried on a few outfits which made me feel like a frumpy unrecognisable mess, it really got to me that I didn’t see myself looking back at me. I looked down at my swollen tender tummy area not with pride as I have done every time ever since having my baby as my body had produced such a miracle baby after being told it wouldn’t be possible but instead I gazed on with sadness and a deep need for change, to get to a more Me version of me rather than whoever that was looking back at me. Isn’t strange how clothes can change the way you feel about yourself. I will have to fit in some workouts into my week somehow to tackle this jiggly belly and to gain the strength to hold my child who is apparently an anvil disguised as a baby. I’ll eventually buy some new clothes so I can ditch the ill fitting holey ones and present a version of myself that expresses my love for colour and patterns. I’d love to get my hair braided too as I’m very much bored of sporting the afro now although I am enjoying having natural hair that is strong. To be honest I could do with a complete freshen up, a maintenance overhaul, an image restyle then I would feel more myself and like I’m not showing anyone up plus its a nice reward for not being the sole user of my body.

3 thoughts on “Awareness of self

  1. I think it definitely is curious how one’s outward appearance can affect someone’s psyche and emotions. I’m no mother, but I hope that you regain the confidence and ease with your body – it’ll be good to take care of yourself as well. 🙂
    PS your kid is adorable. That baby tummy!!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Same here! I used to think that appearances didn’t matter. Well, ideally they don’t, not when you’re very sure of yourself and when you’re immune to outside influences, but few are like that. Appearing good and well groomed does help in giving great first impressions to others as well, so no wrong in wanting to. And you’re welcome! Hope you have a fun time blogging. 🙂


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